


Une reine sans divertissement (A queen without distraction)

by playwrightfate



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: Child Loss, Depression, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Heavy Angst, Miscarriage
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-29
Updated: 2019-12-29
Packaged: 2021-02-27 13:54:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,650
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22018228
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/playwrightfate/pseuds/playwrightfate
Summary: Despite the Taint, Calixta got pregnant for the third time in five years. But for the third time as well, she lost the baby.
Relationships: Alistair (Dragon Age)/Original Female Character(s), Alistair/Female Cousland (Dragon Age), Alistair/Female Warden (Dragon Age), Alistair/Warden (Dragon Age)
Kudos: 8





	Une reine sans divertissement (A queen without distraction)

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! I'm not a native speaker so I hope this is not total nonsense. I also know my use of punctuation, especially commas, is chaotic. I'm trying to get better at it.

“My Lady! Please, slow down!” 

She had always been a very obedient girl. The perfect daughter, always doing what she was told to do. She would listen to her parents and their lessons about politics and how to behave at court like the noble lady that she was. She would learn diligently the lessons her preceptors would give her about fereldan History and Geography. She would train especially hard to be the best warrior her father’s captain had ever seen, holding her sword and shield as firmly and bravely as she could. She would stand pretty and smiling whenever needed, she would delight her father’s visitors with her quick-wit and her beauty despite all of her shyness and her desire, deep down, to be, at all times, lost somewhere else. She would always respect the boundaries set for her. She would do all of this. Truly. Except for today. Today she would not obey. Today she would do exactly as she pleased and what pleased her right now was to ride her favourite horse, Macha, as fast as both of them wanted and dissolve in the ecstatic joy of pure speed. 

“Please! Your father would be mad if you were to get injured!” shouted Ava, her lady-in-waiting, already far behind her. 

But she did not listen, she would not listen, she encouraged her horse even more until, approaching the fence delineating the training area she was allowed to ride in, she gave a firm tap in Macha’s flanks which made her leap over the fence, sending them both flying toward the forest at top speed. Never before had she felt so desperately free and not even the barely audible threats of punishment Ava was shouting at her could trouble her happiness. She had spent the last weeks, the last months learning how to ride on horseback and all of the training was finally paying off. Stubborn, she had gotten up after each fall, forgiving her mare every time, bonding with her evermore. They were so close, so accustomed to each other now that she felt as though they were one. She wanted to ride aimlessly forever.  
But a very sharp pain in the pit of her abdomen made her suddenly gasp for air. Her vision blurred; the whole world became black. 

When her eyes opened again, they were set on a grey stone ceiling she did not recognise. A strong feeling of estrangement seized her.  
She could not breathe; panic was taking hold of her body, but a hand caught hers and she set eyes on a familiar-looking woman she could not name. The woman put a cold cloth on her forehead. She whispered soothing words to her while another woman came closer to her bed. Who were they? She kept looking around her, lost, disoriented. 

“My Lady, you are in your chambers. You’ve been unconscious for a while… How do you feel?” 

Unconscious? Why had she been unconscious? Her breathing was still chaotic, but she calmed down a little, her head sinking down again into her pillow. As if awaking from the deepest corner of herself, her identity came back to her in a wave. In an instant she was successively Calixta Cousland, daughter of the Teyrn of Highever, fairest maiden of Ferelden; Calixta the Grey Warden, the acclaimed Hero, the Warden Commander and then, at last, Calixta Theirin, the beloved queen consort. And with this, she remembered.

“Where is the baby?” she blurted out. 

The two women who were busying themselves above her, her maids, looked at each other. Their embarrassment was almost palpable. Of course, there was no baby. She did not need them to say anything now. She knew. She remembered. The unbearable pain, the blood, the heart-rending cries, the tears, the gasps all around her as she was progressively losing consciousness, certain that she would die. 

It was the third one in five years. When she had gotten pregnant the first time, everybody had told her what a miracle it was. What a blessing. She had thought that too. She had dared to believe that there might be a happy and healthy child running around the castle in Denerim. And then one day, after a few weeks only, she had felt it, long before the healer had spoken the words to her, that there was no more life growing inside of her. She had bled and been prescribed bed rest for a while and that had been it. Everybody had pretended as if nothing had happened. And thus, she too remained silent. She told no one about the pain. The hollowness. One year later, it had happened again. It felt like a curse. She had been less enthusiastic, warier but still willing to believe. It ended after a few weeks, like the first. 

Why would it go any differently this time? She had suffered through every smile, every congratulations thrown her way, she had had to smile back and every time she had felt like she was disintegrating from the inside out. She wanted to scream at them all, just you wait, they’re going to die like the other ones. Just you wait. But she had had to speak about names and baby clothes with that noble or this lady, with a tenderness in her voice, with a glowing face. As if she were happy, as if her only troubles were a sore back and a strange appetite. As is she were not eaten alive with worry. Every touch on her belly made her flinch.  
But this one had been different, in a way. It had lasted longer. Many days, many weeks. Almost seven months. Third time’s a charm, the healer had told her with a warm, knowing smile. Despite her wariness, Calixta had started to believe. If only a little. Even though she had told herself that she would not believe this time. Not believe it would happen until she held her child in her arms. But she had, Maker, she had, and she only fully realised it now. How much she had wanted this; how much she had hoped. If only she had been absolutely barren. It would have been so much easier than this sick game the Maker was playing with her. 

“My queen… the child…it wasn’t-” 

Calixta caught her arm before she could finish her sentence. She was so weak she could barely lift her hand but when she caught it she tightened her grip enough to silence her maid who looked at her with a strange look of pity and terror. Calixta could not bear to look at her. She focused on the ceiling again. 

“I’m…going to inform the King that you have awaken…he wanted to know at once when-“  
“No.” Calixta, her eyes still set on the ceiling, tightened her grip around the arm she held. Once more, the two maids exchange a preoccupied glance before setting their eyes on her again.  
“I…I beg you pardon, my Lady?”  
“I said” Calixta turned her head to look at her this time “No. Do not inform him yet. I want to be alone.” 

She was already surprised that he wasn’t in the room with her but she assumed that if she had been unconscious for days, he had been forced out of the room by one of their advisors. She knew that from the moment he would be informed of her being awake, there would be no way to keep him out of the room. And she did not want to see him now. She felt so weary, so empty. She wanted to sleep again. 

“Please, fetch the healer instead. Tell her I want a sleeping draught.”  
“But-“  
“Quickly.” 

She had never been known for being so cold towards her maids, towards anybody. But they were certainly only half-surprised. In the last months, her temper had deteriorated so much that she had been more and more difficult to handle, her tone of voice was often dry. She was different. She felt different. 

–

She could barely recognize herself; she was so disconnected from everything. From him. His sadness, his despair brushed against her skin. She could not feel anything. She felt numb. The whole world suddenly disinterested her. She wanted to sleep endlessly.  
“We should divorce.” 

The shock was so great that he took a step back. 

“Calix-“  
“You should have an heir.” She said, averting her gaze. Her tone was so harsh and cold it did not sound like her own voice. “This kingdom should have an heir. And I can’t give you one.” 

There was a suffocating and deafening silence.

“Calixta, look at me. Please.”  
She could sense him coming closer and she felt like a prey being cornered. Why did she feel like that?

“I won’t give you one. I don’t want to try anymore...” she turned to look at him again, his eyes were already red with tears. He too looked terribly tired. He was unshaven, his hair was unkempt, and didn’t his cheeks look more sunken? She could not focus her gaze on him. “This is too much. I can’t...” He tried to take her in his arms, but she pushed him away. “I can’t...” She was shaking now. From anger, from despair, from sadness. She felt blood drip down her thighs and a sharp pain awaking again at the core of her abdomen. “Please go now...” She retreated towards her bed, biting her lower lip as hard as she could to refrain the urge to cry out in pain. He was still standing behind her. She could hear his heavy breathing. “Alistair. Please, please, go.” She placed a hand on her forehead. “I need- I want to be alone.”

Phantom tears rolled on her weary cheeks as, after a while, she heard his retreating footsteps and the doors closing behind him. She went back to her bed. 

To sleep, perchance to dream.


End file.
